Freedom from Old Vows and Promises

Freedom from Unhealthy Vows

There is one infrequently explored subject that insidiously compromises the life quality of millions of us: it causes stress, inner-conflict, emotional pain and shut-down; sometimes it leads to depression, self-sabotage or substance abuse; it can be the underlying cause of ill-health and even lead to premature death. The subject is that of unhealthy vows, especially ones that have subsequently been discounted or forgotten – forgotten by the conscious, thinking mind that is, because the body-mind does not forget and the promises we make live on in our cells, linger in consciousness, and therein lies the problem.

The Nature of Vows:

Vows and oaths can both be thought of as promises made in the presence of someone or something divine, normally a deity, the presence of God, the Universe, or Life. An oath is usually an emotionally charged statement of fact, while a vow is more of a deal struck with the divine. For simplicity I’m going to refer to both as vows, for the effect of each is similar: they install in our consciousness a powerful decision, a commitment – for better or worse – and that intention goes out to the Universe with the strength of a fiercely-prayed prayer.

Research, such as that cited by Lynne McTaggart in The Intention Experiment and by Rhonda Byrne in The Secret, has demonstrated that the likelihood of a desired outcome occurring increases hundreds-of-thousands-fold when we put out a strong, clear and prayer or intention, so it’s hardly surprising that our vows have such an impact on our quality of life. What is surprising is that so many of us are oblivious to the undermining effect of having old negative intentions still ‘hanging out there.’

The great news is that unhealthy vows are simple to uncover and easy to release. The positive effects of changing them are strong, freeing and immediate. But first, let me give you some examples of how the problems can originate.

Examples of the Damage:

When I was a small child I was frightened by the children’s stories that were common in those days. I don’t think I was particularly sensitive or emotionally-overwrought, but the traditional Anglo-Saxon kids’ stories common in the late 1950s and early 1960s terrified me: there were wolves who wanted to eat you for dinner, and would blow your house down to get you; there were skies that could fall in and kill you; there were witches who would entrap and poison you; and bogey men, trolls and monsters who would hunt and capture you – it was all overwhelmingly frightening. At around the age of three I became scared to go to bed each night, and began experiencing regular nightmares.

By the age of 6 I was exhausted by the fear and became desperate for it to stop. I remember standing alone in our garden, afraid at the thought of going to bed that night. Spontaneously, I closed my eyes and prayed: “God, please stop my nightmares ... If you do, I promise that from now on I will always be a good boy.” A vow had been made.

That night I went to bed with a little less trepidation, wondering what would happen. Would God keep His end of the deal? I slept deeply and peacefully and awoke refreshed and energised for the first time in months, excited that God had done his stuff and relieved that I’d found a way out of my fear. The nightmares stopped completely. Night after night I slept the sleep of the innocent – blissfully and restfully.

So, “Great,” you might say, “Where’s the harm in that? You made a promise to be a good boy and your nightmares stopped. Job done.” But there was harm, there was a price to pay, and it came in the form of guilt. I’d promised God that I would be good, and in my six-year-old mind that came with pictures of compliance, of niceness, of saintliness, so whenever my behaviour failed to match my own imagined images of perfection I’d be gripped by guilt. Within months I forgot completely about the vow I’d made, but its effects did not leave. At random moments – when play-fighting with other boys, if I got dirty or messy, if I was late for a meal or for school, in fact, if I did anything that I felt my parents or grandparents or teachers would disapprove of – I would freeze with a knot of guilt of guilt in my stomach, and have to stop the game or apologise and make nice. I had no understanding of what was happening to me. All I knew was that I felt ‘bad’, that what I had done was ‘wrong’ or not allowed, and that it hurt emotionally.

Wind the clock forwards a couple of years: I’m eight years old and I have a ten-month-old sister, Debra. My mother says to me, “Kev, would you like to take Debs in her pram to the park for an hour? I’m sure she’d love it, and it would give me the chance to clean up the house while you’re out.”

“Oh, yeah!” says I, proud to be trusted to take my baby sister out all on my own, excited to show her off to my friends, “Yes, please!”

And so we set off, Debs lying down in her little white crocheted coat, her head, with its lacy white bonnet, sticking out above the blanket that tucked her in to the pram – one of those old-fashioned things like a Victorian carriage on small hard-tyred wheels. As I pushed the buggy she beamed a huge three-toothed smile, and I felt like the luckiest eight-year-old in the world.

A couple of hundred yards up the road, I figured we should have some fun, so I started making silly faces at Debs as she lay in the pram. She giggled and smiled even wider – I loved it. Raising the ante a bit I decided to push the pram ahead, letting it go for a few moments so she couldn’t see me, then running to catch it up and making really stupid faces, funny noises, and waving my hands at her. She chuckled and belly-laughed repeatedly as I pushed her ahead and got sillier and sillier.

As we turned the corner to the park, I shoved the pram once more, but, “God, NO!” I’d forgotten there was a steep hill and the pram careened out of control. I ran for all I was worth, desperately trying to catch it up, but it was useless. The carriage, with my precious baby sister inside, speeded up beyond running speed, and I froze and watched as it hit a kerbstone, took off into the air and flipped upside-down into a large oak tree. Terrifying images flashed through my mind. “Dear God,” I implored, “Please let her be alive – PLEASE! If you do, I promise I’ll never do that again.”

I quickly came to, and ran the remaining distance to the oak tree. I leaned down and gently turned the pram over, petrified as to what I might see. When she saw my face, Debs beamed and laughed more than ever. Still safely strapped in, she was completely unscathed, unharmed, and chuckled like we’d played the best game ever. She loved it!

I quickly tucked back the blanket, checked no one had seen, and timidly proceeded to the park where we played quietly till our time was up. I never mentioned a word of what had happened to anyone.

Like the time with the nightmares, I soon forgot about the incident and the vow that had been made, but the vow did not forget me. In the instant of the, “Dear God, Please...” the promise had lodged in my cells, and the implications this time were more pervasive. In my panic I’d promised God that if my sister survived I would never do “that” again. I wasn’t precise as to what “that” meant, and I didn’t spend any time analysing it later, but it included a whole host of behaviours and emotions. It took me nearly 40 years to discover that what I’d done was shut down exuberance, silliness, and unabashed fun in my life. I’d shut out the possibility of full-on excitement, of goofing off, of being out of control with play, and had instead chosen responsibility, measured and mature reliability, and ‘sensible’ behaviour – at the age of eight.

I became more serious, more stolid, more controlled – less spontaneous, less excitable, less light-hearted. In short, I became far less fun. And that was just the beginning.

By my teenage years, when hormones and the impulse for adolescent rebellion were kicking in, it became more difficult to keep my emotions under wraps. There were cars, late nights, girls and sex – I didn’t want to be contained or suppressed, I didn’t want to be burdened with responsibility; I wanted to be expressed, to cut loose, to be outrageous – I wanted to party. But still sabotaging me, deeply buried at an unconscious level, were the old vows. Excitement, fun or exuberance could be around me, but I couldn’t feel it in my own body. On the rare occasions those fun emotions tried to arise, the vice-like grip would tense and freeze me, I’d pull back or opt out of the action – be it horseplay, dancing, intimacy, or whatever – I could never relax, let go and enjoy it.

The tension between the desires and the restrictions became enormous. The eventual escape route? Alcohol.

An Unhealthy Escape:

From the age of fourteen I began to drink, and throughout my teenage years alcohol became a regular habit. Sure, I thought it was adult, I thought it was cool, but when the adolescent posturing passed with the years, the behaviour didn’t change and my consumption of beer and wine increased. What I’d found, though it’s only in recent times that I’ve fully realized it, was a way to temporarily negate the hold of the forgotten vows – a way to let go, to have fun, to experience excitement that would otherwise be impossible.

In common with many people, what I also found was that the game was one of diminishing returns – that over time more and more alcohol was needed to produce the same results – and that I was not immune from the addictive effects of booze. By my twenties I was drinking regularly and heavily. By my thirties I awoke with a severe hangover almost every single day. My self-esteem plummeted as my weight soared. My career suffered, my relationships deteriorated, I got moody and depressed, and my health declined as I slid into an alcohol-fuelled fug. Though I continued to hold down a job and functioned fairly normally in a social sense, any medical doctor would have diagnosed me as an alcoholic. Although I eventually recognised that I had a severe problem, I was terrified at the prospect of giving up drink.

The full story of my condition and behaviour is ugly, and not appropriate to share here. What is interesting, however, is the effect of facing the emotional blocks and, more specifically, undoing old unhealthy vows and replacing them with healthy, supportive ones – for after decades of self-abusive and compulsive drinking, I found that my need for alcohol just fell away, it naturally subsided. Today, alcohol has no hold on me. I can take it or leave it. Mostly I leave it, because I don’t need its effects any more – I can get excited, have lid-off fun, get silly and playful, feel passionate and ecstatic without it. Sometimes, I enjoy drink a glass or two of wine with a meal, and very occasionally I’ll drink a beer, but that’s it: no hook, and I feel phenomenal!

Check it for Yourself:

So take some time to look back over your life. Pay specific attention to the times when you’ve had close scrapes, when you’ve felt threatened or hurt, when there’s been emotional trauma or upset, or some watershed moment or ‘big event’ in your life, and check out if you made any vows or important promises at those times. You’ll discover that some of them were obviously unhealthy from the time you made them, others may have seemed healthy at the time, but have become unsupportive or unhealthy as you’ve changed or as circumstances have changed over the years.

Vows come in many varieties and with different flavours. There are vows to always behave (or never to behave) in a specific way. There are vows of shut down and emotional closure, often relating to anger, shame and guilt, fear and hurt, embarrassment or humiliation. There are vows of responsibility taking or protection, which may become inappropriate as time passes. There are vows of fidelity and marriage that become outmoded with changing relationships or divorce. There are vows of allegiance to friends, groups, clubs and gangs. In recent times I have also become aware of ‘death vows’ – promises to die young, sometimes born from the pain of survival when someone close dies prematurely – which can have devastating long-term effects. I’m sure there are loads more, and the bottom line is this: if you have made any unhealthy vow or strong promise in the past, or if you have made a vow that has become unhealthy over time, you will be paying a price in some aspect of your life. Check it out for yourself, and notice the price you have paid for being bound in this way.

You can easily change your unhealthy old vows and replace them with something supportive and empowering. And if you can’t remember any vows you may have made, no worries, the process below will help with that, too. It requires no prior experience, will take only 25 minutes or so. Get a friend or partner to guide you through the process below and loosen up some old binds.

The Change Vow Process (abbreviated):

This freeing introspection is a simplified and abridged version of the full Change Vow Process taught in our Journey and JourneyMan workshops. It was originally developed by my life partner, mind-body healing teacher, Brandon Bays, and is used with her kind permission. For additional information and expert help please go to www.thejourney.com and check out The Journey Intensive, the JourmeyMan retreat, and the worldwide list of highly trained and experienced Journey Accredited Practitioners.

Instructions: Read the process through completely to yourself twice to familiarise yourself with it, then you can read it to a partner. Take your time. Sit and relax for a bit before you start, then read slowly. Whenever you see “...” pause briefly. When you ask a question give your partner sufficient time to answer. If you’re asking for something to be visualised or to take place, give time for that to happen. Finally, make sure the new vow is supportive and phrased entirely in positive words.

Sit comfortably … and as you allow your eyes to close … you may find yourself beginning to relax … Just take a nice deep breath in … and slowly let it out … and another long deep breath in … and slowly out … Just relax and open …

Now you may notice in your mind’s eye that in front of you is a downward facing staircase with five steps … And in the knowledge that these steps will guide you deeply into the depth of your own Being … into your essence … step onto the top step, number five … now step down onto step four … opening down to three … deeper down to two … and before you step onto the bottom step just let your awareness expand infinitely all round ... Then step into the core of your own deepest awareness … as you step down onto step one … and just rest as this awareness …

To one side of you is a doorway into the light of your own soul … and waiting here is a mentor … one in whose divinity and wisdom you can rest and trust … Just walk through the doorway, into the light … and greet your mentor … thanking him or her for being here to support you in changing an unsupportive old vow ...

Now, waiting to one side, is a time shuttle that will take you back in time and place to when a specific vow was made … a vow that was unhealthy ... or one that has become unsupportive to the person you are today … So you and your mentor can step right into the shuttle and take a seat … On the dashboard … is a button marked ‘old vow’ … when you press this button, the shuttle will take you safely back in time … back to the consciousness of that old vow … to the time and place when that vow was made ... So press the button now … and let the shuttle take you where it knows to go … just allow the shuttle to land now ... and you and your mentor can leave and walk back into the scene where the old vow was made ... just notice who else is here ... So who else is here? … Good …

Allow a campfire to appear … knowing that this fire is the fire of Life itself … And bring also to this campfire the presence of God, the Infinite or the Universe … Now ask the younger you in the scene or the mentor … What unhealthy vow was made here? … What vow was made that is no longer appropriate or supportive? … What were the words that were spoken internally? ... Just allow the old vow to reveal itself ... and speak those old words out ... (if necessary, repeat this paragraph)

Knowing that the Universe understands fully why this vow was made … and that it’s no longer appropriate … ask for permission and assistance to undo and remove the old vow … and to replace it with a new wholesome vow …

Now ask the mentor to sweep clean the old vow, to completely clear it from every cell of your body … Just let the mentor sweep, wash, hose, away every vestige of it … and you just watch and feel as it is cleared from every molecule of your being … from the spaces between the molecules ...

Now ask the mentor to help formulate a new, appropriate, positively phrased vow ... speak it out loud, and ask the mentor to install this new vow into every cell of your body … to flood every particle of your being with this empowering intention ...

So, in the knowledge that this new vow can only get stronger and more supportive over time … you can send blessings to the others at the campfire, thank them … and allow them to merge into the fire …

Only you, the younger you and your mentor remain … Now let the younger you hug and merge with the present you … letting the younger you grow up through time with this new vow already in place … sensing the changes in consciousness that take place ... the emotional and physical healing that takes place ... as the old integrates with the new … right up to the present time …

Now this is complete, you and your mentor can let the shuttle take you right back to the doorway you first came through … Then thank your mentor with all your heart for supporting this life-changing process … And just step back through the doorway ... Now just step back up the stairs … one … coming back to the present time … two … feeling refreshed … three … aware of your body … four … knowing that you’ll only be able to open your eyes when all parts of you are fully integrated in the knowledge that this healing, this release, this freedom can only grow and integrate, perfectly, naturally, of its own accord … And when all parts are agreed you may step up onto step five … and you can open you eyes when you are ready …

Congratulations! Great work.

Vow Change Process © Brandon Bays, 2001-2010